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Saturday, January 7, 2017

Discovering myself

I have never been a writer. When I was younger, I had dreams to write novels and great works of fiction. Those dreams were a result of my love for reading and not my desire to write. I say this because I have always struggled putting feelings into words so, this process is becoming such a therapeutic experience. I am really digging it. So let's continue...

My plan is for my first few posts to be more of an introduction to my world. I warn you, my world is rather interesting and can be a bit controversial depending on who you ask. I have had some very interesting life experiences and I am anything but typical. I am a badge wearing mom who attends a PTA meeting, after just having run ten miles all in the same day. At the end of the day, I go home to my beautiful fiancé who I can't wait to make my wife. My life, in my opinion, is pretty extraordinary.  I am genuinely happy. But, that's not always been the case.  Up until this past year I had been pretty miserable.

Let me first say, it would be very tasteless and not my style to use this as a platform to bash an ex, so I won't. This blog is about me and my life and meant to inspire, motivate or even reach people in some kind of way.

For my entire adult life I have done what a good southern girl was supposed to do. I met a boy, I got married, and had kids. To answer any questions and to be clear to anyone who has thought it or asked it or will ask it; I have always been attracted to women. During my marriage (with a guy) it was a running joke that I had lesbian tendencies. We checked out women together and had numerous conversations about my attraction to females. I was married, so there was never any thought about exploring it further.

I had been completely fine with my misery and meeting my obligations. I was in a very bad marriage and although I had gotten out once I ended up going right back. I had felt like a failure and the mental struggle from just quitting was too hard to bare. I'm not the quitting kind. So, I had just decided I was going to do what I needed to do until my kids were adults and then worry about my happiness later. Just typing that out is so depressing to read. But, then she entered the picture. 

Meeting her turned my life upside down in the most amazing way because until that point I was pretty clueless. Not to say I thought being attracted or turned on by women was normal, but I had not really put a lot of thought into. I was very naïve in what attraction meant.  I just thought I enjoyed admiring women. I was a 30 year old married woman who had always been with guys. I had married a guy when I was a kid.  Until her, I had never had such an intense connection with anyone. Now I realize, my entire life I have been trying to make pieces of completely different puzzles fit together. I often remember back to the night I met her and how I felt. That night there was a random moment where she had her hand on my shoulder and I swear I felt like my skin could have caught fire. The connection was palpable. I knew she was going to be important that day. Later on, when I came out to her and we had our first kiss, I'm pretty sure my toes curled. I knew that night she was who I had been looking for and I would do anything to make her smile.

I have never been so happy with my life. I feel like I am finally living.

<--- Me, being happy

Now, I read or hear stories about how someone came out when they were  teenagers, or how someone has known since they were young and those stories makes me envious. I feel like the biggest late bloomer, ever. But, being the eternal optimist I am, I say better late than never.  Sexuality doesn't define someone, but I think it is a big piece of the puzzle that makes up who we are. I have grown so much these past few years and now I know who I am and what I want and that's such an empowering feeling. I am in love and so very loved. I have passion in every aspect of my life. I wake up each day happy to be alive, I don't try to sleep my life away or just endure anymore. Meeting her was life altering. She has been life altering. I have never known anything like this and I wish for everyone reading this, if you don't have what I have; don't stop looking until you find it.

Life is an amazing journey. It's full of bumps in the road but it's all about how you make the best of them. Things in my life up to this point hasn't been easy but;  I wouldn't change a thing. The tough times have given me perspective to appreciate what I have now. The bad times have made me grateful to have met her. Whether she knew it at the time or not, she was the reason I found myself. She is my happily ever after and I am beyond lucky to get to go through life with her.


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