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Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Complete comfort

To be comfortable is to be completely at ease, physically and psychologically. Until recently, there has never really been a time where I have been completely at ease. 

One of the goofy selfies she gets from me
Feeling comfortable is letting go of stress and discomfort.

Feeling comfortable is being yourself without bounds, without worrying what someone is going to think.

To me, being loved is the ultimate expression of comfort. A real love allows you to be who you are, completely. If you think about it, all day is a struggle to be a version of yourself. To be an employee, to be a friend, to be a parent, to be a million other different things; it's rare to just be yourself. Even at home, until her, I hid who I was. I walked on egg shells and diluted myself for the sake of peace. I had never realized it until I didn't have to do it anymore. Now, I am comfortable. I am me without any filter.

Before her, I hid so deep within myself that I had completely forgotten who I was. I forgot what it was like to be me. That may sound ridiculous but that was where I was at. I never had someone to just ask me about myself. To make me even think about my wants and needs. I never had someone pull the layers away and want to know who I was at my core. I didn't know that's what it was like when someone loves you. All this time, I thought love was a job.

Until recently, I didn't know love was more than just a task on the to-do list. I had spent my adult life just existing. I was with someone for over a decade and they didn't really know who I was. Whether that was my fault; or just what happens over a period of time; or just being in the wrong relationship; I don't know. I'll probably never know. But I do know now, being loved is so much more. Being loved is bearing your soul to someone and trusting they will like what they see. It's taking a chance and showing someone the inner demons and dork that you tuck away from the world.

I didn't even realize how much of a nerd I was until I met her. I had never enjoyed just being completely silly for no reason. Maybe it's happiness, maybe it's because I'm not hiding anymore; I don't know. What I do know is I have found a love that give me with comfort. Complete comfort. I am at ease when I am with her. I feel safe with her and I have found myself again because of her. 

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