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Thursday, May 25, 2017

Motherhood

The coolest guys I know
Motherhood is hard.


Most days are a whirlwind; by the time I finally get a chance to catch my breath I'm exhausted and ready for bed.

As I drove my kids to their grandparents yesterday, for the first week of summer, I found myself aching with guilt. I saw mom's on social media posting and celebrating anticipating a fun summer and here I am sending my kids to their grandparents because I have to work. So, instead of continuing to beat myself up over the fact that I have to work to make a living for my children, I started to reflect on the fact that guilt is a huge part of motherhood.

Before I became a mom, I don't think I ever really felt guilt. Yes, I had felt bad about missing an appointment or letting someone down but, I had never felt the heartbreaking feeling of disappointing someone until I had my boys. I don't know why bringing children into this world made me suddenly feel like I developed super human powers and could be everywhere and do everything, but it did. This feeling of super human abilities leads to days of worry and days of complete exhaustion. Neither of those are good for mom or kiddos.


I always know when the guilt is going to hit and I am well aware it's not always rational, but it's hard to suppress it. But I have found, the key to surviving motherhood is figuring out how to deal with the guilt and worry. Every mom is different. For me, I have an amazing woman who is my partner in life and who does more than I could ever thank her for. Before her, I was just treading water to make it through the day. Besides an amazing partner, I also have running. It's something I do for me and me alone and it saves me on the days when I am down on myself and can't poke my head out of the cloud of guilt. For those of you who don't have a wonderful partner or an outlet for your stress, I am telling you right now. You are enough. You are a fantastic mom.

There are days when the kids will spend too much time in front of a screen, it's ok.

There are days when you will go through a drive thru for dinner, it's ok.

There are days when you will want to scream if you hear "mom" again, it's ok.

There are days when you will hide in the bathroom enjoying the escape, it's ok.

There are days when you will not be everything to everyone. Your super mom cape will be at the dry cleaners and you can just be a woman doing her very best, it's ok.


I love my boys. I always put their needs before my own. They have everything they need. But there are the days I face the fact that I can't do it all, I'm not a super hero and that's ok. If I don't take the time to care for myself, how can I possibly care for two little boys who need me to care for them? 


As I get older, I realize more and more my limitations. I have days where I'm okay with laundry unfolded, dishes in the sink and the boys eating leftovers and that's okay. I feel the guilt creep up when I plan an adult only trip or when I look forward to a day to myself, but I know I need it. I know I am more than just a mom. I am a lot of things to a lot of people and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with being Heather. When the boys are grown and have lives of their own, I have to live mine. I have to have my own identity outside of being a mom. The guilt and worry will always be there, but I know I am doing my best.