From the moment I conceived my boys I knew my life would never be the same. I read all the books, I followed advice, I even gave up drinking caffeine. I did all I could to be prepared for how my life would change. But, no book can tell you, no advice will fit perfectly, you just figure it out. You pull up your big girl panties, keep a firm hold on your sanity and wing it; like every other boy mom has since the beginning of time. I won't leave you completely alone though, here are 20 facts I have figured out about raising boys:
1. Raising boys is like a bar scene. Someone is always yelling, everything is sticky, and the same music plays over and over.
2. For the first decade you will never sleep in. You can let them stay up late, lay cereal out, have the tv on and bedroom door locked but somehow they will find a way in just to ask if you can get the milk out of the fridge even though it's on the counter.
3. Boys have a fascination with all things gross. They love farts, boogers, burps, pee and poop. You will, at some point, be called to the bathroom to be shown some gnarly poop monster in the toilet . Swear.
4. Boys have no ability to aim when they pee. You can put a barrier around the toilet seat. You can put targets in the effing toilet, yet somehow they will find a way to pee on the floor and the back of the toilet.
5. Thanks to # 3 and 4, you will develop a strong stomach. You will be able to see poop, pee and puke without gagging. That's because at some point you will have one or all three of those on you. Deal with it.
6. Mom is the primary word in their vocabulary . If I had a penny for every time I heard it in a day, I would be living on an island with my own maid.
7. You will learn the actual meaning of patience. When it's bedtime your kid will become a philosopher and drink gallons of water. You will repeat the same thing twelve times in a row, you will tell them to pick up their clothes every day for the next 18 years.
8. The grocery store is hell on earth. You will never know a vacation like the two hours of peace you have when you can go to the grocery store alone. Get a sitter or sign up for curb side groceries, it will save you hours of misery.
9. You will swear there are elves living in your kids closets. I have no clue where the dirty clothes come from or where the other matching sock goes. World mysteries.
10. You will have no problem with bribery and white lies. I have no qualms about bribing my boys to get a few minutes of peace or prevent a fight from happening. Tell me one mom who doesn't and I will kiss your feet!
11. You know what takes longer than your kid telling you a story about minecraft? Nothing.
12. Dinner time looks like this: 6:00: "Mom did I eat I enough, my belly is so full?". 6:15: "Can I have a snack?" Swear, every single time.
13. "Please don't pick your nose". "Stop farting before you poop on yourself". "Keep your hands off your wiener please". Yes, I have said all of those at some point, multiple times.
14. You even mention the idea of maybe going to a store at some point during the next week if it's a rainy day and they immediately take it as a blood oath and will ask you 1,000 times when you are going.
15. Dark circles under your eyes appear when you have a child, just like stretch marks, and they never fade away. Become acquainted with concealer.
16. You will become father time. How many minutes they have will be the most asked question in your home. 5 minutes is sometimes 5 minutes, but could be a half hour if you want it to be.
17. You will be able to compete in shower Olympics. Even now, I can shower and be legit clean in 10.5 seconds.
18. You will master the behind the driver seat swat. My boys know they are never out of reach.
19. It will actually take longer to get everyone in the care than to actually get where you are going.
20. You will become the finder of lost things. Doesn't matter what it is or where it was lost, you will be able to find what no one else in your house can.
These little boys are gross but I love them more than they will ever know. I have held them; I fed them; kissed boo-boo's and in the very beginning, I came to the realization that I would do anything to keep them happy and safe. I made those little boys and those little boys made me a mom.