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Monday, October 16, 2017

Blessed are the meek

Image result for beatitudesI can remember as a child, going to bible school at church and hearing the Beatitudes. I can hardly remember any of them but one has always stayed with me, "blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth".


Coming from someone who has been cursed with meekness, this is a complete load of poo. Being meek is what I have fought my life to overcome. You see, I have a natural disposition to make people happy. I want to please everyone and will do this to my demise. Every relationship in my life has been this way. But, if there is one thing that has come out of this god awful divorce, it's the fact that I am learning how to put my meekness aside and be more assertive. This fight that has been going on for the last year over child support, custody and parenting plans has completely zapped the little angel that sat on my shoulder. Pretty sure the little red horned guy gave her the boot once I paid the retainer for my attorney. No matter how much I try to compromise and try to keep things peaceful, I get knocked back down. I'm so beyond sick of the score keeping and fights over the tiniest things. I swear to god this has become a "mine is bigger than yours" competition. Every decision is an act of congress and both parties end up being a loser because it's impossible to make both sides happy all the time. Meekness, bye bye. I have got a good hard lesson on how to assert myself, the hard way. Maybe there is a silver lining in all clouds.  I'm learning how to speak up for myself on a pretty regular basis.

I have always called my meekness a lot of things trying to church it up a bit; empathetic, optimistic, good at compromise but honestly, it's just my inability to assert myself. I have finally started figuring out thanks to pure necessity. You can only push someone so far. I have stopped being the martyr and just saying "yes" and "sure". I have learned to say "no" and "I want". If you are meek like me and are going through or have been through a divorce you know what I am talking about. Both parties have to compromise but don't let it get to the point where you are always the one bending over backward. Don't be the person to eat crow in every situation. This is the time, more than any other, to say what you want.  It's your life, and if there are kids involved it's their lives too. Yes, you have to figure out a way to have a business relationship with the other parent but, do not do it at the expense of your sanity. You have to live with the outcomes and decisions you make. You have to see past the immediate battle and look toward the future. You know what you want and what you can handle. Don't let the fear and anxiety control your conversations. You are stronger than you think and the worst thing that could happen is a fight, but if your situation is anything lie mine, that is going to happen regardless.

I know being meek is always going to be apart of my personality; I see it in my oldest son and I feel so bad for him knowing how much of his life will be spent being stepped on and taken advantage of and I hope he can overcome it.

I don't want to sound like its the worst thing ever because I think being a little meek and humble is what makes you kind; but I also think its very easy to spend your life doing things you don't want with people who take advantage of you because of your meek nature. Walk the line between kind and strong. I'm learning the hard way but like all things in my life, better late than never.

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