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Thursday, November 30, 2017

I am enough

Trying to find your self worth in the eyes of another is setting yourself up for severe disappointment. Being a people pleaser I know this more than anyone.

During yoga last night I was instructed to look inward, to close my eyes and only see myself. To look inward toward myself for satisfaction.  I spent the entire hour with my eyes closed just doing what felt right in my body and not trying to compete with the girl on the mat next to me. That simple choice to keep my eyes closed and look inward was incredibly awakening. It inspired me.

Now a days, there are so many ways to compare ourselves to others. Television and social media being the major avenues. I don't think its terrible to compete or having a desire to better yourself but, I think somewhere along the lines of ambition and aspiration, we stop really examining ourselves and finding what's best for ourselves. Looking inward gets forgotten somewhere along the way.

But, last night, I spent the time on my mat reflecting about the journey inward. My journey inward. That journey, for me, has been the longest and still continues everyday. I have spent my life looking outward, striving to keep everyone around me happy and trying to do what I should do. Until I started running and doing yoga I don't think I ever took a single minute of my life to look inward. I never looked inside to see myself, to see what I needed. To examine who I was.

Oscar Wilde once said, " Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives mimicry, their passions a quotation".

How much of yourself is formed from other people's opinion of you? How much of you is really what you truly are? We live a life today of uber connection. We have the ability to like and comment and basically judge other people's lives. Thanks to social media, it's out there for everyone to see. I am no exception to this. I share and post and talk about my life, usually the happy but I try to keep it honest. I see pictures and have caught myself being envious of people who have the ability to run way more than I do, or who seem to have endless amounts of money and I struggle with finding satisfaction in the daily grind of a 9 to 5. But, I don't know if its the yoga or just growing as a person, the older I get the more I am learning to look inward at myself. Its not something I was ever taught as a child. It is something I have learned as an adult and realized in order to be truly happy, I have to know what I need to find joy. That joy can only come from inside of me. That joy can only come when I am completely myself and can be satisfied with that person.

I have talked about love and motherhood and all of the adventures I find myself going on, but the one thing through all of this has been learning myself. I still have to consciously make myself close my eyes and shut out the world around, to listen to what I need. Throughout the past year or two I think it's what has kept me happy despite the turmoil and big changes in my life. I have closed my eyes to the judgement and the belief that my life has to look a certain way or be like someone else's to be meaningful. I am happy with where I am in life, and with who I am in this life. I know I am flawed and restless and can be a little scattered at times. I know I am hopelessly optimistic but deep inside I have dark corners that can suck me in without warning. I can be impulsive but I am never dull. And despite the hurt I have felt and the hatred I have seen reflecting back at me, I can appreciate love and tenderness and give it in return.

Because I look inward,  I am unapologetically myself and I am enough.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

In the thick of it....

How did I get to this place?

Here I am, the day of my Family Court, about to go in front of a Judge to decide how often my children should see me. I'm terrified and my heart is breaking.

The whole thing absolutely blows my mind. Mine and my kid's future is being decided by a man who knows nothing about my children or the circumstances that led us here. Never would I have imagined when I saw their little faces for the very first time that I would end up in court years later fighting to see them every second I possibly can. I don't blame the Judge, he is a good man given limited information trying to do what's best for kids. Family court is absolutely necessary.

But, however inappropriate, I want to go into court asking where was their father when I was up feeding them at 3 AM, or trying to sooth my oldest who had colic. Where was their father when I was going on day 2 with 1 hour of sleep and trying to hold everything together? Where was he when I was cleaning up puke on the floor when my youngest was up all night with a stomach bug? Where was he when I was cleaning poop out of the bathtub when one of the boys decided to poop in the middle of bath time? I was knee deep and alone. Their dad worked, sure, but I did too and I made no excuse. I spent an entire day at work and then came home to two little boys who needed me like they needed the air they breathed. I made career decision based on being able to be there for them and I made sacrifices because that's what love is. I don't for a second look back and think I could have done more. I have done it all, every day and did it without a single solitary complaint.

No, now that they are older and they need me less it's time for the "hero" of the day to step in. Now that they are more independent, I'm being told my work is half done and now he is here to swoop in and save the day. Forget the days where I shuttled them to my work when they didn’t have school, took off work to care for them when they were sick or bring them along to a track to hang out with me just so I could get a workout in. My life has always revolved around those little boys and its devastating to have them yanked away half the time because the hard part is over and now the other half of the parenting side can actually step up to the plate. I guess the times I was told "when they get older" he will step up, is finally here. So, why does the time up until now get discredited? Why does the fact that I no longer want to fight every day and live in constant anxiety because of their dad's temper become punishment that takes me away from my boys half the time?

I know sons need their fathers, I do, but you know what? Mom is just as important as she has always been. Who do they call when they need something? Who still wipes every tear and handles every embarrassing moment? Who is there for every ache and doctor appointment? Mom. She always will and she will always want to. I have not been waiting in the wings for things to get easier. I have been in the thick of it since the day I read POSITIVE on that pregnancy test. Being in the thick of it has never been an option for me, I jumped in head first when I knew I was growing those little boys and no matter what the Judge decides or what their father demands, I am Mom and I always will be through all stages of their life and through every battle.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017


"Marriage is not about religion.
Atheists get married.
Marriage is not about reproduction.
The infertile get married.
Marriage is about love. That's it.
And that all by itself is beautiful."

With all the talk going on about marriage equality in Australia, I thought it was time to talk about and maybe even open a discussion about gay marriage. Lucky for me, and my wife it is recognized in America. But, I have mentioned my upbringing in the past, and the fact that I was raised to believe marriage is between a man and a woman. Little did I realize, when hearing these things, that I would find myself deeply in love and married to a woman when I grew up. Falling in love with someone from the same sex, really puts a dent in those childhood teachings. Regardless, even when I am told as an adult, by family, that my marriage isn't real that doesn't change the fact that I love my wife to the very depths of my soul. It doesn't change the fact that I sought happiness and commitment just like any other couple who want to marry. How is my marriage not "real"?

I know my perspective is kind on the other side of things but, I never really understood the big fuss over why gay people shouldn't be allowed the same rights as straight folks. Are gay people another species? Are we not entitled to the same laws and rights as every one else? I completely respect the people who are devout to certain religions and the beliefs they hold. I admire faith in all of it's forms. I also respect the fact that those people see marriage as a deeply religious ceremony. I believe marriage surpasses all religion and is so much more. Marriage is so much more than two people holding a ceremony or filing paperwork with clerks. Marriage is it's own kind of faith; faith that through everything life throws your way, you will still be loving your spouse.. beyond this life.

Marriage is about becoming a team.

Marriage is finding a way to get through life; the bad times and the good times.

Marriage is overcoming obstacles together and enduring stressful challenges, knowing every burden that comes along will not have to be carried alone.

Marriage is something that isn't entered into lightly by any one from any religion.

Marriage is two people choosing to become something greater than they were before.

Love and marriage go hand and hand and has throughout history. Love is about love, plain and simple. Every marriage is different just like every relationship is different. Every marriage has it's very own trials and tribulations and it's very own joys. Every marriage is real, every marriage should be celebrated.