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Thursday, November 30, 2017

I am enough

Trying to find your self worth in the eyes of another is setting yourself up for severe disappointment. Being a people pleaser I know this more than anyone.

During yoga last night I was instructed to look inward, to close my eyes and only see myself. To look inward toward myself for satisfaction.  I spent the entire hour with my eyes closed just doing what felt right in my body and not trying to compete with the girl on the mat next to me. That simple choice to keep my eyes closed and look inward was incredibly awakening. It inspired me.

Now a days, there are so many ways to compare ourselves to others. Television and social media being the major avenues. I don't think its terrible to compete or having a desire to better yourself but, I think somewhere along the lines of ambition and aspiration, we stop really examining ourselves and finding what's best for ourselves. Looking inward gets forgotten somewhere along the way.

But, last night, I spent the time on my mat reflecting about the journey inward. My journey inward. That journey, for me, has been the longest and still continues everyday. I have spent my life looking outward, striving to keep everyone around me happy and trying to do what I should do. Until I started running and doing yoga I don't think I ever took a single minute of my life to look inward. I never looked inside to see myself, to see what I needed. To examine who I was.

Oscar Wilde once said, " Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives mimicry, their passions a quotation".

How much of yourself is formed from other people's opinion of you? How much of you is really what you truly are? We live a life today of uber connection. We have the ability to like and comment and basically judge other people's lives. Thanks to social media, it's out there for everyone to see. I am no exception to this. I share and post and talk about my life, usually the happy but I try to keep it honest. I see pictures and have caught myself being envious of people who have the ability to run way more than I do, or who seem to have endless amounts of money and I struggle with finding satisfaction in the daily grind of a 9 to 5. But, I don't know if its the yoga or just growing as a person, the older I get the more I am learning to look inward at myself. Its not something I was ever taught as a child. It is something I have learned as an adult and realized in order to be truly happy, I have to know what I need to find joy. That joy can only come from inside of me. That joy can only come when I am completely myself and can be satisfied with that person.

I have talked about love and motherhood and all of the adventures I find myself going on, but the one thing through all of this has been learning myself. I still have to consciously make myself close my eyes and shut out the world around, to listen to what I need. Throughout the past year or two I think it's what has kept me happy despite the turmoil and big changes in my life. I have closed my eyes to the judgement and the belief that my life has to look a certain way or be like someone else's to be meaningful. I am happy with where I am in life, and with who I am in this life. I know I am flawed and restless and can be a little scattered at times. I know I am hopelessly optimistic but deep inside I have dark corners that can suck me in without warning. I can be impulsive but I am never dull. And despite the hurt I have felt and the hatred I have seen reflecting back at me, I can appreciate love and tenderness and give it in return.

Because I look inward,  I am unapologetically myself and I am enough.