Here I am, the day of my Family Court, about to go
in front of a Judge to decide how often my children should see me. I'm terrified
and my heart is breaking.
The whole thing absolutely blows my mind. Mine and
my kid's future is being decided by a man who knows nothing about my children
or the circumstances that led us here. Never would I have imagined when I saw
their little faces for the very first time that I would end up in court years
later fighting to see them every second I possibly can. I don't blame the
Judge, he is a good man given limited information trying to do what's best for
kids. Family court is absolutely necessary.
But, however inappropriate, I want to go into
court asking where was their father when I was up feeding them at 3 AM, or
trying to sooth my oldest who had colic. Where was their father when I was
going on day 2 with 1 hour of sleep and trying to hold everything together?
Where was he when I was cleaning up puke on the floor when my youngest was up
all night with a stomach bug? Where was he when I was cleaning poop out of the
bathtub when one of the boys decided to poop in the middle of bath time? I was
knee deep and alone. Their dad worked, sure, but I did too and I made no excuse.
I spent an entire day at work and then came home to two little boys who needed
me like they needed the air they breathed. I made career decision based on
being able to be there for them and I made sacrifices because that's what love
is. I don't for a second look back and think I could have done more. I have
done it all, every day and did it without a single solitary complaint.
No, now that they are older and they need me less
it's time for the "hero" of the day to step in. Now that they are
more independent, I'm being told my work is half done and now he is here to
swoop in and save the day. Forget the days where I shuttled them to my work when
they didn’t have school, took off work to care for them when they were sick or bring
them along to a track to hang out with me just so I could get a workout in. My
life has always revolved around those little boys and its devastating to have
them yanked away half the time because the hard part is over and now the other
half of the parenting side can actually step up to the plate. I guess the times
I was told "when they get older" he will step up, is finally here.
So, why does the time up until now get discredited? Why does the fact that I no
longer want to fight every day and live in constant anxiety because of their
dad's temper become punishment that takes me away from my boys half the time?
I know sons need their fathers, I do, but you know
what? Mom is just as important as she has always been. Who do they call when
they need something? Who still wipes every tear and handles every embarrassing
moment? Who is there for every ache and doctor appointment? Mom. She always
will and she will always want to. I have not been waiting in the wings for
things to get easier. I have been in the thick of it since the day I read
POSITIVE on that pregnancy test. Being in the thick of it has never been an
option for me, I jumped in head first when I knew I was growing those little
boys and no matter what the Judge decides or what their father demands, I am
Mom and I always will be through all stages of their life and through every
battle.
