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Friday, April 13, 2018

Curvy Woman

I'm not skinny. I never have been. 

Image result for self love quotesTo be honest, I don't recall a time when I have looked in a mirror and thought I was skinny or loved what I saw. I have spent hours trying clothes on; searching for that one outfit that made me feel good about every part of my body.  I'm still searching; pretty sure those clothes don't exist. But, what does exist, are photos and magazines and social media filled with the skinniest and fittest girls. The media can make a curvy girl feel incredibly insecure. I know I don't look like that. No matter how many miles I run, how many hours I put into the gym or how clean I eat, curvy is what I am. Curvy is the body I have. My hips won't get smaller, my ass will always jiggle, my thunder thighs aren't going anywhere and my boobs are never going to get smaller. I have to learn to love the curves.

I've went through phases in my life and two pregnancies that completely altered my body; leaving me softer and scarred. I have bounced back each time, losing the weight but still never looking like the girls I see on Instagram. No matter how much self love I talk, I still shy away from the full mirror in my bedroom, I still try to get the very best and flattering angles in pictures. I still try to fit my self worth into the number on the scale, only to ending up disappointed. I know in my bones how absurd it is to feel this way. The amazing things my body has accomplished and the remarkable way my wife looks at me naked, I should be the epitome of self love for this body of mine. But I'm not. I can't help but..... 

cringe when I see the number on the scale. 

Wince when I see the hole appear in my pants where my thighs rub.

Squirm in the mornings to squeeze my hips and thighs into my jeans.

Blush when I catch myself naked in the mirror.

Try like hell to cover up the unattractive parts of myself in the bath.

 and feel ashamed when I wear a tight shirt that reveals the soft parts of my body.

It is so hard to say those things out loud. To admit my insecurities. 

But, no woman I have ever met is happy with how she looks and it's insanity. Our bodies are different and amazing and beautiful. I know this. But inside our head, we are our own worst enemy. We look at ourselves in a mirror and immediately zone in on our perceived flaws. The parts we are the most self conscious about. Why? Why is it so hard to look in the mirror and see the best parts of yourself? Why can I not walk by the mirror and applaud myself for the thunder thighs that's carried me across finish lines? Instead I look for a sweat shirt or long t-shirt to cover up. Why can't I feel as beautiful as my wife says I am? 

So, today,  I'm here and being completely honest and real with you. I want so bad to love my body. I want to embrace my curves and the parts of me I shy away from. This is my declaration and since I am saying it out loud right now,  I'm promising to do just that: 

I'm promising to put in the work to love my curvy self and to look in that full length mirror and love what I see. 

I'm promising I will ignore the "flaws" and focus on the best parts.

I promise to stop the insecurity and maintain focus that my body is not like anyone else's no matter how hard I try to change it. 

I promise to try my hardest to love myself. 

Here I am curvy and that's beautiful. 

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Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Hello there!

I'm Heather, an Ultra runner and adventurer. 

Iv'e survived a really nasty divorce; coming out to my southern family; and my very first ultra marathon. I'm incredibly imperfect but always the eternal optimist. This is my space to write about my travels, my training and the lessons I learn along the way. 

So, here I am. This is my blog. I have an extraordinary life that I'd like to share. 
Welcome to my blog!