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Monday, June 25, 2018

Choices

Some days I have the patience of saints. I can roll with comments and questions and handle blatant discrimination in stride.

On the other hand, some days, I have no patience for ignorance or crudeness. Today was one of those days.

Listen, I'm not a scientist of any kind. I don't know anyone else's journey but my own. I'm not pretending to.
On that same token, no matter what people choose to believe, my lifestyle is mine. I don't need to explain to anyone why I do what I do. However, I feel like ignorance is perpetuated if you don't educate.

So, here is my lesson for the day:

I was born gay. I didn't wake up one Tuesday morning and think how much fun it would be to "turn" gay. There was no decision process to decide whether I wanted to be attracted to men or women. Yes, I dated boys and married a man. Believe me, I have done a lot of reflection and I think a big part of this is because of where I'm from. I have talked about this numerous times in the past. My environment was very conservative, religious and all things discriminatory you can throw into one geographical area. I was never a kid that questioned much of anything. Being raised in a conformist Christian area where anything not out of the bible was sinful, meant discovering myself or anything out of the pews was off limits. We were in church every single day the doors were open. Fire and brimstone can really deter one from being very curious about much of anything. But, I don't really regret that I was raised that way because my parents had the very best intentions. However, questioning beliefs isn't really super encouraged in a conservative church. 
Image may contain: 1 person, ocean, sky, outdoor, nature and waterSo, I did what I was supposed to do. I was a good girl who followed the rules. I had periods of angst but for the most part, I did what I was supposed to. Including, getting married and having babies. But, don't think for a second the guy I was married to didn't know about my attraction to women, he did. He was well aware from the first days of our relationship when we were too young to even know what responsibility was. But, I was very open about it. But, I never acted on it which is something I regret. I lived a life that was not fair to me. I lived a life knowing there was so much more than what I was getting. Nonetheless, responsibilities come into play, expectations are very clear and there I was.. married to a man while fantasizing what it would be like to be with a woman. That was what I chose for a long damn time.

BUT, let me be clear, I did not "choose" to be gay. I didn't suddenly become attracted to women because I had been burned by men. Sexuality doesn't work that way. I didn't "choose" to be gay because of a bad marriage. The only choice in the whole deal was choosing who to be with. I chose to act on the feelings that had been consuming me from the moment I met my wife. I didn't wake up and suddenly find women attractive. If you think that’s how it happens,  there is a fantastic experiment you can do, are you willing to try?

Okay, here it is. Tomorrow, wake up and willingly chose to be attracted to someone of the same sex. Go ahead, pick someone. Really focus on it. Give it all you got to be physically and emotionally attracted to the person you choose.

How'd that work for you?

Now, stop believing its some choice that's made. You can no more make yourself desire having sex with someone of the same sex than you can choose to have the color eyes you have. You can alter your eyes with contacts; you can try to hide what color they are, but it doesn't change the color.


There you go, your lesson on sexual orientation for the day. 


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