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Friday, July 6, 2018

The Highs and Lows

In the age of social media, it can be easy to see someone’s life and judge your own based on their highs. To see someone’s highlights but never know there’s a struggle going on leads down a dark path. So, here I am being real. I am not always rainbows and sunshine. Some days, anxiety can be found festering below the surface. 

I’m a worry wart. 
I stress, often. 
I take on more than I can handle.
I want to make everyone happy.
I love hard.
I feel deeply.
I have highs and lows.
I get anxious. 
I’m an emotional person.

I know these things about myself. 

And, I always hope knowing them is half the battle. 

 I am a restless soul who rarely slows down. A definite fault of mine. I think because of this, I'm also a person who needs an outlet. Hence, all the running I do. When that slows down or stops, or I take on more than I can handle, shit starts going sideways.  I start to feel the ropes that I usually keep sorted and knotted up neatly, pull me in a million different directions. 

On bad days, I can still show up and make an effort to treat the world better than it treats me. But, I sometimes have really bad days. I have times when I can’t deal. Those days, I just can’t. Negativity doesn't bounce off so well, it digs its heels in deep. Those are the days where holding my shit together isn’t possible. I become a bit self-destructive. I get so down on myself that I can feel the self-loathing ooze from every pore. Those days, I don't know what else to do but cry. Those days don't happen often, luckily. But, they are the days I need extra; extra time, extra patience and extra love.

But, I'm a work in progress. I have been broken to pieces and glued myself together anew. I'm not who I was, I have grown and changed and am more myself now than I have ever been. So, I forgive myself...

Today, I will breathe.
I will think of solutions, not problems.
Today I will not let worry get the best of me.
Today my stress will not control me.
I will breathe,
Because I’m a badass woman.
I am gentle and strong.
I am fire and grace. 
I will smile on purpose.
I’ve got this.