I’m a bit of an odd ball. I’m a nerdy, tattooed mom who may
be out running in single digit temps and come back home to play video games
with my fiancĂ© and kids. I’m somewhat atypical. I’m totally okay with that. I believe the
older I get the less I give a damn about anyone’s view of me. I don’t think I
can go an entire week without getting an odd look or stare or comment. That’s totally
okay. I believe it was Edgar Allen Poe who said, “there is no beauty without
strangeness”. How dull would life be if we were all the same? So, really, I am
doing everyone I meet a favor by keeping things a little out of the ordinary.
(Me)
On the job, I have been told I don’t look like a typical law enforcement officer. Not sure what I should look like, but apparently, I’m not it. I carry a gun, a
badge and the whole nine. What about me says I should be at home knitting sweaters
or maybe somewhere more girl friendly. Sorry bud, I’m not your typical girl. I
shoot guns, I could kick someone ass if need be and at the same time counsel
someone on the bad choices they are making. I think the fact that I’m not the
typical officer dude plays to my advantage at times. I don’t need to
try to bluff someone or be super authoritative. What I look like is not going
to influence someone into committing a new crime or using drugs. They are going
to do that no matter what I look like. Now, as a female officer knocking on
their door I don’t deny I’m probably not seen as a threat. That’s fine, it just
makes things a bit safer for me in the field. What they don’t know about my
capabilities makes them underestimate me. Don’t doubt that I couldn’t get
myself out of a bad situation even though I may be wearing mascara. I worked my
booty off to do what I love and even though I don’t look how I’m expected to
look, doesn’t mean I can’t do my job. I’m passionate about helping people and I
don’t have to look a certain way to do that.
Now, at school functions, I am usually a bit of an outcast.
I don’t look like the typical moms that are hanging around on the bleachers.
That’s OK. The genuine moms will come talk to me and the rest probably wouldn’t
be my cup of tea anyways. Sadly, your missing out on a pretty fun gal.. your
loss. But, please know, I’m there just like you, pretty clueless in the whole
mom department but pretending I know what I’m doing. I don’t get to go to school
for every function, I work full time and it just isn’t possible. But, the times
I am there I made it happen because I love my boys and no matter how you look
at me that doesn’t change that fact. I may have tattoos, still in tactical
pants from work and look like I’ve had a rough day but you know what, I am
there; same as you. Instead of staring, you could smile back or say hey. I’m
just trying to do my best. We don’t all look the same, we have different
backgrounds and that’s OK. I lose my patience and yell at my kids. I may not
have it all together all the time, but I am a good mom. I will say, I am
thankful for those moms (and the dad) who have been so sweet and welcomed me when
my boys started a new school. You gals (and dude) are the ones I look for at
every school function. I would be super lonely if not for you all.
(The little men)
When I am out doing what I love, I get looks there too
sometimes. I don’t always look like the fast runners at local races. I often
feel eyes on me assessing me before the race begins. No, I am not some long
legged, stick then runner. Yes, I do have some curves and a little junk in my
trunk. Yes, it is possible I will pass you and you may or may not be surprised.
Don’t judge these thunder thighs until you see how far they can take me.
Runners don’t have to look a certain way. I see skinny, thin, big, curvy,
short, tall; all kinds of women out hitting the pavement. I think we are all on
different journeys. There is no end destination. I couldn’t care less if I lose
another pound. If I get to run, I’m happy. So, look at me and underestimate me,
then watch me pass by you at a 5k.
Oh the stares, oh the comments. Yes, I am gay. No, I am not
the “girl” in my relationship. No, I am not the “dude” in my relationship. No,
I won’t “decide” to go back to dudes. Yes, girls can look girly and be gay.
Yes, I do have kids. Yes, I did have them myself. No, they aren’t scarred and
miserable. Yes, I know you are praying for me. No, I don’t think the devil has
a hold of me. I could write a blog just
on questions I have been asked since I came out. I am who I am. I would rather
wear yoga pants than anything but I have no problem throwing on a dress and
heels. Mascara is a necessity and I carry a wallet. I don’t have to look a
certain way. I don’t have to act a certain way. I might not fit a certain label
but I don’t think I should have to. I have come to the realization that when I am
out with Jackie I am going to get stares. I would like to think it’s because we
are an adorable couple (yes, we have been told that numerous times), but I know
it’s because we are girls and usually there is PDA. Everyone knows lesbians
exist, this is not some new discovery. I was always told it’s not nice to
stare. Maybe their momma’s didn’t teach them those manners. I may or may not
look like you think I should, I may not fit into a certain gay girl category,
but I am madly in love with a gorgeous woman and we probably will be holding
hands while we walk through a store. Stare if you want. Your gawking is second
nature now.
(us)
I’m not saying all these things as some big long rant. I’m
saying all this because I think self-image, in a world full of social media and
television, is evolving. I think more and more people are being happy with
where they are in life and breaking down labels that have previously existed.
I want my boys to grow up and know they were raised by an
awesome mom who, even though she may not have been like the other moms, did her
best. She played video games and had tattoos but she was there and they were
loved.
I want little girls growing up knowing it is totally okay to
be a gun packing lady. Girls can shoot and kick ass just like the boys can.
I want girls who fear coming out to be okay with who they
are and know they don’t have to look a certain way. If you are girly, be girly.
If you don’t want to be girly, don’t be girly. Be comfortable with who you are.
I want people who are contemplating running, joining the gym
or going to a yoga class to not be afraid to go because of how they look.
Everyone must start somewhere. You may not look like the rest of the girls
running, you may be the curviest girl in yoga class and you may be the only one
looking perplexed at the equipment in the gym. But, no matter how you look you
deserve to be there just as much as anyone else. It’s okay if you don’t fit a
certain mold, everyone is made and shaped differently.
So, being strange and a little out of the ordinary is a good
thing. If anything, I give people something to talk about and I’m okay with
that.