Abuse comes in many forms. Abuse is defined as a
pattern of behavior used to gain and maintain power and control. This pattern
of behavior doesn’t look a specific way. Each abuser is different, so the way
the abuse is different. You may be a victim and never feel someone’s hands
around your neck or feel contact of any kind; that doesn’t mean you’re not
being abused. Emotional abuse is hard to see, but the scars it leaves runs deep
and hurts long after the abuse has stopped.
Emotional abuse or verbal abuse is the
non-physical actions taken against a victim. Emotional/verbal abuse can be anything
from threats, insults, constant monitoring or “checking-in”, excessive texting,
humiliation, and isolation to just down right stalking. This type of abuse can
go undetected for years. It may start small and methodical; a jealous comment
here or there but eventually it snowballs. The mind games start to work. You think
it’s just a little jealousy. You start to believe it’s normal to be told what
you can or can’t wear. You believe it’s normal to be told what money you can spend.
Yelling, screaming, cussing and name calling begin to seem normal. You start to
learn when you shouldn’t say or do certain thing because that’s when life gets
harder for you. You become an expert at walking on egg shells. You start to
compartmentalize parts of your life. You keep more and more things to yourself.
Somehow they make it feel normal, like all relationships are like this. “They do
these things because they love you”. Wow, why doesn’t everyone want a love like
that? I will tell you why; because that isn’t
love.
Being scared to tell someone you have to go out of
town for work, that’s not love. Being isolated from friends and family isn’t love.
Being told you’re a whore isn’t love. Being accused of cheating on a daily
basis isn’t love. Receiving voice messages calling you every kind of malicious
name possible all because you didn’t answer a text right away, isn’t love. Threatening
to harm you if they found out your cheating isn’t love. Being stalked isn’t love.
Manipulating you isn’t love. If you have to put on a show in front of people,
then there is something wrong with your relationship. Don’t believe the things
your told, it isn’t normal.
I have heard time and time again, why do women
stay? I don’t think there is one answer for every woman. Each woman has their
own reasons. Staying doesn’t mean we’re weak. We are brave. We have endured something
most people will never know or understand. Sometimes, we just refuse to see how
bad something is until it completely destroys us. Sometimes, we don’t know we are being broken.
Sometimes, we just stay until we can’t anymore. Whatever the reason, you are
strong enough to leave.
But, I warn you, once you are finally liberated
and free, it’s not immediately over. The fear and powerlessness runs deep to
your core. Your heart is tattered because for so long you’ve been told you’re
loved by the one person who has broken you. But, everything heals in time.
Eventually, you will be happy again. You will be loved again.
When you find love, don’t be afraid. For a while,
they will have to love someone who is broken and scarred. Let them see the
scars you bare. Open your heart up to them completely. Realize they aren’t the
person who abused you, they won’t hurt you. They will show you what love is
supposed to look like, not the twisted version you have known.
You can be loved and you will be happy again.
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| Complete happiness |
