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Friday, August 17, 2018

Where does time go?

Time is so fleeting.

It's not always evident but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. During different stages in our lives, time seems to crawl. Through financially struggling as a young adult and through some of the harder times in your life; time is a turtle walking through peanut butter. Time can almost feel like it's at a standstill.

Then, there are the happier times in our lives, the times when we wish time would slow down the warp speed it travels at. The funny thing about motherhood is, I remember feeling a little of both. This may be one of those things you don't say out loud as a mom but, I remember telling myself as I was fumbling through the house for the 3rd time in the middle of a night that this part of life was temporary. That this time would pass. I knew I wouldn’t always be exhausted and sleep deprived. I knew there would come a time when I would feel human again, when time would pass. How much I would give to go back to those days; the days when I was consumed by the soothing baby smell and the cries that were meant just for me. I miss the days of the sweet sound of my boys calling for "momma". I miss the days of Backyardigans concerts and little toddler giggles. I miss the days of trying to carry a toddler and a baby around while doing the million other things I needed to get done. I miss the chaos and the rogue cheerios and the cries and the total exhaustion. At the time, I honestly didn't think I would ever make it through those days.   But, here I am, wondering where the hell time went.
Now, typically I am not super sentimental about parenthood. I am a rational, working mom who knows my time with my kids will not last forever. I'm rational a good majority of the time. I know I am raising them to be independent, free-thinking, compassionate men (I hope). I also know that my job is to guide, teach and lead them as long as I have them at home. Even when I dropped them off at school for their first day this year, I didn't cry. I smiled. I was strong and positive and encouraging.

But this morning, something happened. My oldest son got out of my car and walked with a friend up to his middle school. Now, that doesn't seem like something worth crying over but I did. I spent the car ride to work emotional, wiping tears and reminiscing on the little boy who has all of sudden grown up. My little boy who no longer needs to me to walk him into school, because he's got this, made me realize how much he's grown.

So, here I am wondering, where did time go?

I blinked and now my kids have lives of their own. They have friends and social lives and don't need me like they once did. They have video games to conquer, events to get to and games to be played. My role as the center of their universe has diminished to the person who finds their lost shit. Don't get me wrong, I know they still need me and mom will always be here but I feel the shift. As tiny and incremental as it's happened, I feel it. I feel the tug of the next phase of parenthood and I am trying to prepare myself. I have to prepare myself for what was once story time and cuddles, is now sleepovers and get-togethers. I can do this. So, I wipe my tears. I smile and remember the days of snuggles and kisses and know that no matter how many things I have gotten wrong in this life, loving those two boys is something I have done so right. And so, I will continue to be there. I will continue to adapt to each new phase of motherhood as it comes. I may shed a tear or two along the way but I will do that knowing I have loved my boys so fiercely and no matter how fast the next few years go or where they end up as adults, I will always be mom

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Stay Away from Assholes

All those years ago you found a girl who was empathetic, gentle and kind. You knew she just wanted to make others happy and avoid conflict and you fed on that like the manipulative narcissist you are.

But, I have limits. You have seen those limits, the night I told you I was done. The night you probably remember often. The night I was done with the controlling, lies and manipulation. I was done with doing everything, all the time, always. You had compromised my peace for way too long. I was finally done. I dismissed you from my life. It was simple. The little girl who was scared to take the leap, jumped like a fucking gymnast and never looked back.

Now, even though time has passed, your lies and stories still rear their ugly head. But, you telling false truths and spreading lies and bending the story to benefit you means nothing to me. You mean nothing to me. The people who believe your shit, their prerogative. You are toxic and what toxic people do when they lose control is they try to control the way others see you. That's fine. They will see it, eventually. Or they won't. I don't care. Because I have given you a taste of your medicine and you tell everyone I poisoned you. Funny how that works. But, I give no fucks now. I will never give a fuck anymore. I will not react, because that's what you seek. You seek response and pain and in that gives you power. You have no power. You are insignificant in my life. I have grown, unlike you. I was broken for a long time, you did that. You did it every day, with every comment, every put-down, every manipulation, and every lie.  You made me believe for so long I was worthless and powerless and nothing but yours. Lies. It took me a long time to pull myself out of the fog, to figure out who I was. But, I did.

So,  I ask now, what have you accomplished?

The toxic lies you have spewed.

The hateful things you have puked out.

The disgusting and false stories you've told.

What did that get you? Not me. What did it help? You are just as wrong and bad and hateful as always. You have accomplished nothing. You continue to be nothing in my life. You have scurried for power. You have scraped at pieces of the past trying to grasp at something. But you are the past. And now you know, I am not on this earth to be your punching bag. I no longer have to walk on eggshells or say things to keep the peace. That's not my job any longer. You are not my concern any longer. You are a business transaction and a blip on my radar. I speak with you only when necessary because even on the best days when your words aren't venom, don't think for a second I will ever forget or see through you. I know you more than most, I know the narcissistic ass hole that is hidden beneath the surface. But, I have learned to let some people believe their own lies and stories they make up in their heads. I have also learned one of the best lessons in life, stay away from ass holes. You and the ones like you.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

My Woman Crush Wednesday

In one of Edgar Allan Poe's poems, he said: "we loved with a love that was more than love". I don't think it was within my ability to even understand the context of that poem until I met you.

I don't think, in my 30 years on this earth, I had met someone like you. Maybe that's not accurate. Maybe I have met you before. I like the idea that probably before this life, I loved you while I was in some other body. Like one of those romantic movies, where two souls continue to search for one another. I like the idea of that. I think that was us. I think that idea explains how I found myself in some random city hundreds of miles from home. I think the moment I heard your voice and my eyes met yours that night, something sparked. I didn’t have a clue what the hell happened, but something big happened.

Image may contain: mountain, outdoor, nature and waterAnd, here I am. After a series of events, that I could replay in my head like one of those songs I play a gazillion times, I find myself in awe every single day. I love my life, for the first time ever I really mean that and you are the reason.

Because of you,

because of my #wcw.

In my time here, in this body, I have met so many people. Some of those people have changed the way I look at things, some of those people I have held onto. But not one single person has impacted me the way you have.

Not one single person has captured my attention like you have.

Not one single person have I really physically felt their absence the way I do with you.

Not one single person has completely consumed my mind and my thoughts the way you have.

Not one single person has calmed my soul the way you have.

By now, you know how restless my soul is. You know stillness is not in my nature. But, somehow you calm my soul. When I am with you it's like the most comforting exhale, everything stills. For someone like me, that feeling is soothing. That feeling and the hold you have on me is more than I can put into words. Being a writer, I try like hell but never quite succeed. So, I will spend the rest of my life trying to give you that version of peace that you give me.  With every hand held, every smile seen and every voice heard I will always find my peace because of you.

I have loved you since I met you and will for as long as I breathe. Then, whatever existence we find ourselves in after this life, I will seek you out so I can love you then. My soul will search for yours and the stillness and happiness you give me.

I love you my every single second of every day, and every single day and every Wednesday for the rest of our lives.


Wednesday, August 1, 2018


Talking about sexuality is a conversation that makes folks a tad uncomfortable. 

Sexuality is always some big dirty elephant in the room, it’s there and obvious but everyone avoids talking about it. That's because sex has been taught for generations that it's a dirty thing we keep to ourselves. Whether the stigma of sexuality is rooted in religious teachings or just the absence of knowledge we sort of come up short as a society where sexuality is concerned. There are countries and even some existing tribes where talking about sex is as common as talking about the weather but, most places sexuality is still a very taboo topic. We offer sexual education in some schools, we talk to our kids about the birds and the bees but beyond that, how often do we ever really talk about sexuality?

Our own sexuality is such a personal experience.  

But, the thing is, we live in a society where labels are the way we learn about everything; male, female, gay, straight, trans, queer, and so on. These labels are not only how we put sex out in the world; it's how we put sex into a box. If what you are or do is outside of that socially accepted box, we as a society have this insatiable urge to label (again there's that word) you an outsider. How dare you not like what "everyone" else likes? My question is, how do you know what everyone else likes if you don't like to talk about it? I think that's what really baffles me about discrimination involving sexuality of any kind. How it's possible for discrimination against sexual orientation and gender to even exist. The heteronormative lifestyle can be such a private endeavor but it's a bit hypocritical to be completely okay to focus on the way someone else has sex or who they are attracted to or what they want to do with their own bodies? Let's talk about what happened in your bedroom the last time you had sex and see how you feel about it? The double standard is there whether anyone admits it exists or not. Example, I see articles often about what happens in a lesbian couple's bedroom, why? I don't see any lesbian couple chomping at the bit for a play by play of what happened in Sue and Dan's bedroom last week or last year or what have you. If you want to talk about sexuality then I think it's fair to talk about the whole gambit. Don't you agree?

I think as a society we miss this huge neon sign that’s obviously flashing in the foreground, we are all different. We may be aware of that in some capacities but then forget in others. There may be commonalities between people but those should not be the standard. Every person experiences life in their own way. Every person lives, loves and plays in a way that's unique to them. Sexuality is no different. It's a personal experience.  As a society, we have a hard time even having conversations about sexuality. We avoid the uncomfortable at all costs.  I think if those conversations existed, there would be a lot less tendency to banish one behavior or trait or difference to the outside. We would then understand there are so many differences in what happens in the bedroom or what doesn't. Maybe there would be less of a desire to compare others to what is perceived as the norm and more of a desire to accept and be more open.

Image may contain: one or more people, sunglasses, sky, cloud, outdoor and closeup
I'm not an expert, but I have been on two different sides of the fence as far as sexual orientation goes. So, I see sexuality a little different than most folks on either side. I believe sexuality goes beyond gay and straight. I think gender is beyond male and female. We are born with a million different physical and personality traits, I don't think it's unrealistic to believe those differences are found in our own sexuality either. What is unrealistic is to oversimplify sexuality. We are far more complicated than that. Stop being scared of sex. Stop being afraid of what's different.